One of the features of dating and growing-up is that you tend to work your way through a few break-ups on the way; some of them are relief inducingly happy while others are life alteringly bad. On reflection, I have noticed a distinct decade related break-up pattern.
Teenage - hide and seek
The romance appears to be progressing well. You have cross referenced your names and established that on the LOVES scale you rate 87% (provided you spell your name with an O). You have also perfected your signature using his surname and a variation of double barrel options. Can a heart on a chain be far away? Suddenly without warning you notice that he has not replied to your last text.
Logically you assume that something has gone wrong with the entire mobile network. You follow up with a call to his house. His mother informs you in shifty terms that he is not at home. Considering he is 14 and it is past 11pm on a school night it seems pretty unlikely. All forms of subsequent contact result in no reply. Now the most rational explanation is that he simply doesn’t want to talk to you. BUT as a woman there is no rationality in such situations. The most logical alternatives are as follows;
He has lost the power of speech
He was in a serious farming accident and has amnesia
He is dead
It is the inverse of the Sherlock Holmes theory, you exhaust all the unlikely explanations until you are left with the only remaining logical one – you have been dumped!
Twenties - provocation
I think when guys turn 21 they lose the ability to say, “I think we should break up�?. Potentially they are worried about the ramifications of these words. It might reflect badly on them or worse still cause a scene! So to circumnavigate the issue, and potentially avoid circumcision by an irate dumpee, they start to act like a complete plonker.
The guy goes out with his mates, forgets to call, is distant in your company or creates rows for no reason. After weeks of this behavior you will of course enquire if anything is wrong. He will equally respond that everything is fine. You keep asking. He starts telling you to stop nagging. You begin to worry that you are turning into your mother.
After a few more weeks things become untenable, generally when you find a condom wrapper in his pocket and a G-string under his bed: neither of which belong to you. Finally, you are forced to utter the magic words he has been waiting to hear, “I think we should break up�?.
You may get an initial lame refusal but once you repeat the offer he appears to reluctantly agree. He then hops and skips into the distance, a happy, free and single man. The added bonus is that he can still get the maximum sympathy vote because you broke up with him. A win / win solution for the boys.
Thirties - garden path
Life appears to be progressing blissfully. The career is sorted. You have your own place, which you share 3 nights a week with the love of your life. When down at the hairdressers you have been sneaking looks at wedding magazines and at work you look up baby names on the internet. You gaze pitifully on your STILL single friends, if only they could discover true happiness like you - little do you know the impending revelation.
A few nights later during some relatively mundane domestic activity, which you have probably created a rota for, you are discussing what to serve for desert at your upcoming dinner party. During the apple crumble and cheese board debate he announces that you should break up.
He proclaims that he “loves you�? but isn’t “in love�? with you any more. You carry on discussing desert options, assuming that he has lost track of the conversation or is referring to the soap opera that you force him to watch twice a week. I mean there is no way he can be breaking-up with you. Only last week he was proclaiming his undying love.
When you arrive home the next night you discover his key posted through the letter box and his spare clothes have been removed. The penny finally drops. The only soap opera he was referring to is your life.
Now this type of break up is completely incomprehensible. You can ask the “why�? question as much as you like but you will never get the answer you want. He simply doesn’t love you anymore, a switch has turned in his head, the game is over, you might get some extra time but the final score will be the same.
There maybe 50 ways to leave your lover but pretty much all of them suck.
PS - This blog has been nominated as “Post of the Week”. I am not sure what this means but it sounds good and I will take any praise I can get so thanks!!
Assuming you are very drunk, in a dark room and squinting - a lot. Email me on Irishflirtysomething at hotmail.com
February 14th, 2007 at 11:21 am
Sometimes men have difficulty breaking up because they do care for the person and don’t want to hurt their feelings. Letting the other person dump you is the coward’s way out, for sure, but you have to go through it at least once to realise it’s not how it should be done. Hence the abrupt dumping in the 30’s - the opposite extreme. IMO, anyway.
February 14th, 2007 at 11:32 am
I know there is no good way to do it and gals are as bad as boys. I dumped by last boyfriend as he walked me to the Luas, which I deeply regret - oh well. What is IMO? PS - everyone has to link to Kav’s site and read his BRILLANT first job blog.
February 14th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Break Ups are crap!!!
But each one makes us more resiliant…. remember Twain’s words “Dance like nobody’s watching; love like you’ve never been hurt. Sing like nobody’s listening; live like it’s heaven on earth.” Ax
February 14th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Breakups are nasty things. Unless the relationship has died a natural death, then someone is going to get hurt.
But it is better to break up if there is something wrong. In fact I would go so far as to say I would rather be old and single than married [or whatever] and unhappy.
But what would I know? I’m too old for these things. Thank God!!
February 14th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
I would gladly have helped some of my ex’s die a natural death, but apparently it is against the law.
February 14th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Different standards apply to different lengths of relationships as well.
(some)Thirty-something men are perfectly capable of applying the teenage method if the relationship has only been going for a few (or even several) weeks.
PS - IMO is ‘in my opinion’. I think.
February 14th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Spinsterella, this is true unfortunately, but I still tend to phone their mothers. Tends to stop them doing it again.
February 15th, 2007 at 1:28 am
You’ve been nominated for a Post of the Week, here.
February 15th, 2007 at 10:37 am
I once stayed in a relationship with a girl for 9 months too long because there was just no good way to end it.
After a few months I realised I didn’t want to stay with her, and I should have ended it then - but her mum got really ill, and I didn’t have the heart to add to her problems. After an illness of a few months, her mum died, and I simply couldn’t bring myself to do it until she’d got over that.
Then it was getting close to xmas, and her father had decided to visit relatives in Oz, leaving her alone in the UK with no family at all, so again, I just couldn’t do it to her. When I eventually ended it, we’d been together for over year and it was much harder for her because she’d assumed the relationship was going somewhere. Didn’t have the heart to tell her that the past nine months had been miserable for me because I couldn’t stand being with her.
Still I feel a bit smug knowing that I probably did the best thing for her and let her down as gently as possible at the end.
February 15th, 2007 at 11:28 am
Ic…interesting to hear the male logic in staying with someone for 9 months too long, in her mind she probably thinks you wasted her time, led her on, stayed with here for a shag or until something better came along. I reckon god had a serious hangover the day he (or she?!) decided on the male/female design
February 15th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Spinsterella’s right, IMO = In my opinion.
And thanks for the kind words!
November 5th, 2007 at 8:54 pm
[...] the realities of breaking up in your thirties. (I have written before about different age related styles of breaking up and the essential recovery [...]