“The only faithful men are those who haven’t had the right offer or opportunity.�?
In my twenties this was my opening comment on the topic of fidelity. As you can imagine I was a real hit at dinner parties and social engagements. Thankfully I have mellowed a little since – very little.
However I do still fundamentally believe that monogamy, particularly for men, is not a natural state. Guys may come in many shapes and sizes but generally only two types; bastards or nice guys. (as LC highlighted in a recent post).
Now most girls grow out of the “dating a bastard�? phase, eventually the excitement is off set by the constant heart ache and betrayal. A foolish few believe that they can change a bastard. Somehow you can maintain all the fun qualities but loose the wandering eye, like eating the Hazelnut Whirls but leaving the Coffee Cremes in a carton of Milk Tray. Sadly life isn’t like a box of chocolates. (sorry for the poor pun.) Bastards are like convicted felons, you may get parole and a few years of good behaviour, but it is only a question of time before they are back inside – someone else.
Even if you do end up with a nice guy it is no guarantee of fidelity. The action or lack of by the female partner can drive the nicest guy to the damp patch. My latest dinner party question is:
“If you had to choose between your partner having a one night stand and no one knowing or everyone suspecting when he was in fact innocent, which would you prefer?�?
Dependent on the alcohol intake the answer varies. Some, women start off with “innocent�? and after a few vino’s end up settling with “guilty�?. Generally, this is accompanied with a “someone has to shag him�? joke. I am amazed that Hallmark hasn’t created a card to mark when married couples with kids have sex; “Happy Fucking Friday�? or “Super Shagging Saturday�?. I’m not sure the sales would warrant the production. At least with other holidays like Christmas you are guaranteed they will come at least once a year.
As one newspaper therapist noted:
“If a guy isn’t getting it at home then don’t be surprised if he starts looking elsewhere.�?
Lucky me knows exactly when this hunt begins. I have my own personal super power when it comes to infidelity. I ALWAYS know when someone has been unfaithful. As super powers go it’s not a great one. Most women have this skill, they just may not admit it to themselves or others, but they always know. (Unfaithful guys take note, getting away with it once or twice does not make you impervious to capture, you will eventually get caught, generally as a result of your own arrogance.)
Thankfully there are some great honest and monogamous guys who believe, along with their partner, that a relationship is worth working at. So, to those couples I salute you and the happiness you richly deserve.
*I have used guys as my subject but increasingly women are as bad, not happy with out smoking and drinking our male counterparts we now want to out shag them as well.
Next post - “How to catch an unfaithful guy�? (Yes I am that evil.)
- dating , life , top 10 tips
Assuming you are very drunk, in a dark room and squinting - a lot. Email me on Irishflirtysomething at hotmail.com
April 12th, 2007 at 11:25 am
“Increasingly”? I’m quite sure the number of cheating women, just like the number of cheating men, hasn’t changed much at all over the years. We just live in a more open society now than, say, 100 years ago.
Consider that effective contraception started to become widespread amongst the more affluent quarters of society (albeit, in a hush-hush sort of way) around the 20’s and 30’s, and you have the point where there is far less risk attached to an exciting rendezvous beneath the sheets while the husband is out.
Both parties are likely to cheat when the iron is cooling in a relationship, and/or when the opportunity presents itself. I’ve done it, and I’ve had it done to me. If anything, women are just better at compartmentalising their actions and aren’t as naturally inclined to get openly cocky about things.
April 12th, 2007 at 11:31 am
I’ve always been monogamous, except when I cheated.
You’re right, I don’t think monogamy’s a natural state for guys. We’re kind of like dogs. Me see hot girl. Woof. Me get horn. Rarrr! Me try to use horn. Grrrr! Me no think of consequences beyond shooting my load. Yipyipyip! Me look all sheepish and forlorn and big-eyed when you walk in and find big mess on carpet. Woo-arrf?
That said, I’m not into all that, for reasons too many to go into here.
April 12th, 2007 at 11:33 am
MOTO - I think women entering the work place increased the numbers of affairs due to greater opportunities and probability of meeting guys.
Realise it is a reality of modern life but still makes me a bit sad. Not that I am in a position to throw stones!
April 12th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Whether it’s natural or un-natural - it’s a choice. Simple as that. If you don’t want to be monogamous then don’t sign up for a relationship where it’s an expected part of the deal. There are lots of things that aren’t “natural” (like going to the gym for feck’s sake) but if you want a certain outcome then you make the choice..I think we just infantalise men by making the excuse that it’s “not natural”. The grown up bit is making the choice…
April 12th, 2007 at 11:38 am
Kav - you are far too lovely to cheat. Anyway you’re not a guy you are some kind of blogging demi-god so normal rules don’t apply to you
April 12th, 2007 at 11:46 am
TG - I completely agree but sadly the “choice” is not the right one. Stats on infidelity range from 25% to 71% depending on the survey. So, potentially you have a 1 in 4 chance of your man being faithful. Not great odds!
April 12th, 2007 at 11:54 am
Not quite.
You have a 100% chance of your man being faithful, if you choose the right man.
You have a 25% chance of choosing the right man
April 12th, 2007 at 11:54 am
Stop being so nice or I’m going to have to write more of that weshteden thing.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
It’s hilarious that there’s this whole idea of men being out philandering all the time, while women are all faithful and well behaved.
Women cheat just as much as men, no question about it.
April 12th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Moto - by the law of averages I must be due to meet a faithful one soon.
Kav - ok you are only an auld bollix, is that better?
lc - think men may still have a slight edge but pushing towards a photo finish.
April 12th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
In my experience it’s the woman that wander far more often than the men. while I was at college girls used to go off on weekends together and get up to all kinds of things,
the lads that were left behind usually drank until they passed out.
The S**te usually didn’t hit the fan until years later when there was a reunion or two.
April 12th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
The question is if men are cheating more than women. Who are they cheating with? They can’t all be fooling poor young impressionable girls.
Maybe it’s a bi-sexual conspiracy
April 12th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
It pains me somewhat that I can’t comment on this post.
April 12th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Mark, it’s the same ten women shagging them all.
April 12th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
My fav anomaly is that girls claim only to have 3/4 sexual partners while guys are up at around 12 - magic.
NB - I am not one of the 10
Dario- give it time, trust me you’ll be an expert!
April 12th, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Women are as bad as the gents I think.I’ve been with my husband for ten years, married for seven and opportunities have presented themselves but I find it easy to say no and the reason why is a little sappy.I couldn’t bear to hurt him..I love him too much.
Told you it was sappy!
April 12th, 2007 at 7:19 pm
Not sappy it is wonderful. Takes amazing character to say no and I admire you all the more for doing so.
April 12th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
Monogamy is a matter of willpower. However if you put temptation in front of people often enough then eventually everyone will stray no matter how earnestly they want to remain faithful.
And as has already been said, they do it just as much as men these days. Women just get a lot better press than men I suppose.
A guy I know arrived home from work one day to the apartment he shared with his girlfriend, opened the bedroom door to find his girlfriend in the doggy position with someone she worked with. She didn’t cover herself up or act like she was ashamed or sorry, she just laughed in his face.
April 12th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
That’s an awesome superpower Flirty!
I was genuinely shocked when I found out that a bloke who was seriously interested in me was attached - and we hadn’t so much as kissed.
What gets me - I’ve been single FOREVER and I never have ‘opportunities’ - so how does it keep happening to the attached?
April 12th, 2007 at 9:14 pm
I love you Flirty, you are blonk of the week.
April 13th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Yorkie - I think to be that cruel to your partner means that there was never really a relationship in the first place.
Spinsterella - I have the same issue, think it is the lingering smell of desperation that puts guys off when you are single and then they flock like flies when you are attached.
Annie - welcome back to blonk world, you were missed! Thanks for being me blonk of the week *head swells*
April 13th, 2007 at 9:51 am
It would be nice to see a serious debate on the pros and cons of monogamy - everyone just says it’s a “good thing”, but is it actually? Or is it a hangover from pre-secular times? I don’t have the answers but it’s certainly a topic that gets less black and white as you age.
April 13th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Brian - the problem is I can argue both sides, so it is a bugger to take a perspective
April 13th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
You’re right, it is a bugger - that’s why it’s good to challenge the given thinking that it’s the way things “have to be”. I’ve always been monogamous but am somewhat aware that I’m going along with social norms and respecting my partner’s wishes, without really figuring out what I believe. Naturally as one ages, one questions all social norms, and maybe acts on that questioning. But for me, shared values is central to the success of any relationship, so why even enter one where that commonality isn’t there? Having said that, the fact that I haven’t met a girlfriend who’s against monagamy probably says something about me too!
This Wikipedia article pretty much saves me having to do any debating!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Value_of_Monogamy