The now fully updated Irish Flirty Something 5 point recovery plan for when you are dumped. Thanks for the interesting feedback so far, in particular to K8 for her elastic band idea. Anyone else got some good suggestions or advice?
Unsurprisingly it is aimed at women who have been dumped and is more pragmatic than sympathetic. Normal guy bashing rules apply. You have been warned!
There is no Why.
Now the first thing that happens after a break-up are the ‘why’ questions.
Why did he dump me?
Why did he say he loved me?
Why has he left?
Repeat ad-nauseum down the phone to friends or while sobbing in a bar with random strangers. I know women who are still asking these questions years after a break-up. The answer is the same, there is no ‘why’, or at least none that you want to hear.
You can attribute the ‘why’ to his inability to commit, child hood traumas or your Juicy Couture tracksuit that he hated. But the fact is that one day he woke up and it just wasn’t working for him. No matter how much you cry, scream, rant or bide your time pretending everything is ok, that ‘why’ will never change.
Attempts to meet and interrogate him are futile. He is not going to say what you want to hear (I’ve made a huge mistake - I still love you) no matter how many different ways you ask him. Remember that you are still the great person he fell in love with but circumstances and times have changed. Bizarre as it may seem don’t take it too personally. He is the one who has changed, not you.
So the closure that you are looking for by asking ‘Why’ the whole time is as depressing as it is simple, he just doesn’t love you any more. The switch in his head that used to be turned on, has now moved to off. He has moved on, you need to do the same.
Cold Turkey
Now I am the queen of tenuous excuses to keep in contact. If I haven’t heard them I’ve used them, either way very few escape my knowledge web. ‘Being friends’ maybe psychologically easier as it implies that you have not been fully rejected as a person, but as Harry said to Sally, guys and girls are very rarely ‘just friends’. One of you will always want more and that one, if you have been dumped, is likely to be you!
Think about the logic of staying ‘friends’. If you were on a diet you wouldn’t walk around with a large chocolate cake in your hand. So why put yourself through the torture of being close, but never close enough, with your ex. Ultimately it will do neither of you any favours to be in contact. One of you will end up with false hope or raised ambitions, only to be dashed again.
Why should he have the benefit of your friendship, when he has chosen to reject it by dumping you? Save yourself for someone who deserves your time, energy and friendship.
The other big issue of staying in contact is that you run the risk of having a break-up shag, which is both a head and body fuck. The break up shag does not signal that you’re both meant to be together. He has not realised the error of his ways, he is just missing regular sex. Don’t delude yourself that he will be so overwhelmed by your underwear and sex Olympics that you’ll get back together. Going through it once is bad enough without opening your self up to a repeat performance. As the book says, it’s called a break-up because it’s broken.
Wallowing
The previous 2 steps may have seemed harsh, because they are, but the next few are a bit more fun. You are allowed to wallow, whinge and wail to your broken heart’s content. However, only for a certain period of time. My yard stick is 1 day per month of dating up to 1 year and then an additional 1 day per year. During this time you are allowed to eat crap, wear crap and moan about men and life.
I suggest you mark the wallow days on a calendar and tick them off as you go along. Ensure friends know when your wallow time is over, so that they can remind you and have something to look forward to.
When you reach the final day of wallowing you are not allowed to be depressed anymore or even worse go on and on about how he was ‘the one’. (Trust me ‘the one’ doesn’t dump you.)
Breaking up is sad and heart breaking but it is not catastrophic; famine, floods and genocide where thousands of people lose their lives and families are catastrophic, break-ups are just very unfortunate. Yes you will grieve and that is natural, but grieving is a process, avoid making it a way of life.
Get Busy and Spoil Yourself
When you finish your wallow phase, chances are you’re not looking the best. Thanks to some close encounters with Domino Pizza’s, white wine and Bounty Bars. You need to set yourself an action plan of recovery. Because when you do bump into your ex ( accidentally ) you want to be looking your best.
Set yourself a budget, ideally one that won’t take the rest of your life to repay, and spoil yourself. Doesn’t matter what it is, holiday, clothes, new hair cut ( almost compulsory when you leave a long-term relationship ). Just get out there and start spending.
Another key part of the action plan is to take out the phone and diary and start ringing and emailing all those ‘friends’ you have been ignoring since you started dating. If you are under 30 your friends will be understanding, if you’re over 30 and haven’t spoken to most of them in months then shame on you. However, good friends will rally around.
Make arrangements to see people and do stuff; walks, cinema, shopping, dinners and DVD’s, it really doesn’t matter as long as you are kept busy. Don’t just focus on the weekends, there is nothing worse than a lonely Monday night watching Eastenders or something equally depressing. However these busy times are not to be used as moaning sessions, they are merely to re-introduce you to single life.
Take this as an opportunity to do the stuff you couldn’t while dating like chick flicks and spa weekends. Revel in the fact that you no longer have to justify yourself to anyone.
Under and Over
I know this is the second oldest trick in the book, but only because it works so well. The best way to get over a man is to get under one. The thought of this maybe abhorrent but that’s only because you are sober, being tanked up is a pre-requisite to implementing this step.
Remember you are not going out to find the future love of your life. The goal is to play some tonsil tennis – up the alcohol and drop the standards. Believe me you’ll feel much better. The longer you remain faithful to your ex the more idealised he will become and the harder it is to meet someone else. He is probably off shagging half of Copper Face Jacks while you are sitting at home being a vestal virgin crying over his picture – what’s the point of that !
Remember: The relationship is over, not your life.
Assuming you are very drunk, in a dark room and squinting - a lot. Email me on Irishflirtysomething at hotmail.com
May 18th, 2007 at 10:06 am
There’s also the possibility that the guy may never have thought the girl was a great person at all, but stayed with her because she was a willing shag and looked good on his arm of an evening. I know one or two people (not just guys, I must add) who have lasted years in relationships like this. It sickens me to see how much their partners fawn over them while they do whatever (and whoever) they want. In this case the advice to the dumpee would be stop being such a fucking doormat and stand up for yourself once in a while.
May 18th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Kav - fair point but felt it was already pretty harsh, didn’t want to completely twist the knife. Also I am optimistic enough to think those guys are the exception?
May 18th, 2007 at 11:13 am
And in your own words (circa 1998- random pub in Dublin to a bawling and recently jilted me) - “The BEST way to get over a man, is to get under another”
May 18th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Breaking up is always better than staying in a crappy relationship. Not everyone agrees though. I know at least two girls who are in the situation kav describes, where they are with guys who don’t care about them, who treat them badly (one is a serial cheater), but they stay with them because they’re afraid of being alone, afraid of change and of not finding anyone else. Plus there’s the old chestnut - we always want what we can’t have - if someone doesn’t want us or doesn’t love us enough, it makes us want them more (us being both sexes, not just women).
May 18th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Amy - working up to that!
Caro - very true, want what can’t have deserves its own blog let alone post!
May 18th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
When’s the book out?
May 18th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Blarney - as soon as I write it, also known as never
The book I referred to in the piece is from 2 Sex and the City writers who published.
He’s just not that in to you
It’s called a break-up because it’s broken.
Have read the first but not the second. An amazing lesson in how you can stretch one idea over 200 pages.
May 18th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
Flirty,
The book was streched to 200 pages cos women always manage to twist the Why question into all manner of shapes! Greg cover almost every angle possible.
May 18th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
Write it, Flirty. You should give it a go anyway. You got the goods.
May 18th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Dear god, you’re reminding me of that evening I spent an hour and a half on the phone with an ex who kept asking me to come back, and me jumping through hoops trying to be polite but firm-ish, and wondering what the effect on my karma points would be if I just hung up and turned the phone off.
We tried to be “friends” for a while, but eventually I had to put a complete embargo on any future contact because I never knew what type of rant I’d be on the rxing end of from one day to another. It just wasn’t worth it.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
Anon - I take your point but although the concept was good there simply wasn’t enough content for a book.
Blarney - thanks but employment beckons!
May 18th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Yorkie - women are masters at only hearing what they want to hear and completely ignoring anything that doesn’t “fit”.
Horrible cliche but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Which is why guys text dump or disappear off the face of the planet.
Well done you on trying to be nice but sometimes more problems than it is worth.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
You should speak with my sister.
She was going out with this greasy Greek doctor (she likes Greeks for some reason) and two years after breaking it off, she still thinks about him.
I wouldn’t mind, but he was a) an ugly looking bastard b) had the personality of a phone box, and c) turned out he had a bit on the side.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Dario - as per Caro comment. Sad but true!
Thinking about him is fine, refusing to date anyone in honour to his memory is bad.
May 18th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
I love it flirty - you’re bang on.
May 18th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
And why is it that it’s the complete and utter bastards that are the hardest to get over?
I have waltzed away skipping and whistling from some lovely guys, and have been incapacitated with grief over one of the world’s worst wankers!
(Censor as appropriate, or not!)
May 18th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
If you were on a diet you wouldn’t walk around with a large chocolate cake in your hand.
So that explains my ass!
May 18th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Towny - thanks, wish we weren’t so obvious
NS - only censor the comments that are rude to me.
Again that topic warrants a blog and not a post. Almost as bad as the ‘one that got away’ !
May 18th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
SO TRUE FLIRTY….. THANKS, SARAH
May 18th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
Sarah - thanks but realise it is a bit harsh for anyone with fresh wounds. Hope you ok?
May 18th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
Yep. Good advice. I hope I won’t need it for a goodly bit (having already had a major breakup this year and rather into current guy I’m dating), but thanks.
Another good tip: Stay busy. And this doesn’t mean staying busy drinking—it doesn’t help and can make things much, much worse. Get rip-roaring drunk once to get it out of your system, and then find other things to do that make you happy. Things that perhaps Ex-Boyfriend hated doing but that you always loved are particularly fun.
Those are my tips.
May 18th, 2007 at 8:13 pm
Yeah, I would definitely say they’re the exception Flirty. But they’re also the ones that seem to cause all the bother…
May 19th, 2007 at 2:02 am
You know what? I have this technique that I don’t share with many people because.. well it’s weird, but it works.
Keep an elastic band on your wrist. Whenever you think of said bastardman, stretch the band, and let go, so that it snaps back on your inner wrist.
The sharp pain you feel is a symbol of the futility, reality, and sheer pointlessness of the excercise. Like moping after a bloke who doesn’t deserve you.
May 19th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Words of wisdom. I like to skip all that if I can and go straight to the revenge shagging of his best mate.
Works for me.
May 20th, 2007 at 12:36 am
I never had an ex-boyfriend.
May 20th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Sassy - very valid point, under step 4!
Kav - all men are bastards but some are bigger bastards than others.
K8 - cunning but strange plan.
Steph - unless the best mate is female.
Bock - don’t worry, it’ll happen for you. Around the same time as I update your link - maybe.
May 20th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
..or you could slash the tyres on his car….. But i so never did that one, i may have just scrathed it a little, only a little mind. Didn’t want to appear too psychotic.
May 21st, 2007 at 1:09 pm
Sandy - hell hath no fury!
May 21st, 2007 at 1:48 pm
And so the best way to get over a woman… is to get on top of another one?
May 21st, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Conan - seems like a fair assumption, you back in blogging world again?
May 22nd, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Yup, until I have to undergo major carpentry…
June 3rd, 2007 at 2:46 am
These are all the things I knew but needed to be reminded of when dealing with my latest breakup. Thank you.
June 4th, 2007 at 4:04 am
I ve been crying..and suffering for almost 1 year 4 this guy whom i only dat for a few months…guess love…or crash love..when it comes..is hard, strong..and if ends in an abrupt and from one day to other..is…well..i felt BROKEN…really, even though (fortunately), im not the type that calls for pizza!!!..but candies..played a role in my recovery plan.
I did the last but oldest trick..and i felt nothing…empty.Guess because maybe he wasnt the right “rebound chick”(?)
I ve been working out, as u read(before knowing about your website) jiji..some of the steps; not exactly in that order..so maybe , after a long period, i think is time to schedule the steps again..and focus on some that ve been well developed (hey! the friends over 30´s..is a shame..really!!..and after reading you guys, i ll try harder and update my mailing and do those (embarrasment) calls..but is true ..”true friendship will stand for u).
I ve got the “he is not into u” , before knowing Mr.”the one who dumpped me”…during a trip in Florence -maybe it was on my destiny..why!? buying such a book during europeans summer time, while trying to escape from a rainny , pouring momento from St. Marks square.
At first glance, i thought it was funny,and at that time thought it would be good 4 some of my mates..as a good cosmo editon…besides “Sex and the city” is a classic, for many of us-who are over 30…well..recently 31 OK!- ; and i read it and even it was so obvious and real alll that writting was like obvious marketing crap then, i kept it. never lent it (yes i m bad!),& which is worst, i did not get INTO it, as i should..and “good fortune”..or “time over”, because destiny..if as Cesar thought it exists..or as we build it every second our own paths; i was just fooling around in the web, without any intention in looking for this subject-just picking news, and linking into polls from “what means being sexy?” …late at night, as another dimanche, after we had this elections for our city chief 4 Buenos Aires..
Voilà!! here u are.
Apologize 4 the extension.
Really wanted to tell the tale..as how still grieving…2 days per month ;)..i felt good reading you, maybe cause last week it happenned to be “those wallowing days”…and try to ” have the chocolate, whle being on a diet”..and now it feel so pointless, and stupid.
a friend of mine, always says that “the one” will never make u cry…what do u think about it.
Even im not trying to get over the 2 first steps..ITS OVER..im repeating it, as an “asana thing”..i wonder..as it is not my first break up..but today i think it was the first break up from the first time i thought, felt i was in love…if is true that there are many “one´s “; i think there must be 1. and as u well write..circumstances, time..whatever..took me where am i today..but…is there a true love?
Really the feeling of emptiness, “de/disolution”, the “why ´s”"?? !! great post!..is more than a clichè..is TRUE. Thanks for -suddenly being here-
*Will join again the movies plan!! I am so “out of films trends”..i ll update begining tomorrow.(ehh..i said is sunday midnight)
*Save enery !(sorry 4 stateting my next steps)
*Save &invest TIME: quality one, attending After office , HH meetings, and making the 3/4 “getting outs” during the week.
It was a pleasure to find out about your site, and their members. People, u now, there s a stage u cannot keep on repeating it all “these feeling and thought” to yourself and to your best friend!!!!! -i ve alrealdy used my quota for ears “chicks”…and besides they ve been great listeners..or behaved very politetly.(HOPE!! there are great gentlemen outside, who might care 4 u and there..somewhere…it must be “the one”. A pitty i still havent found love none of the ones i used their “shoulders to cry on”…pathetic. Still have faith that this breakup..was a crash thing , and not the falling in love w the one, with whom we both made mistakes.Circumstances…U are right he changed his mind, or his heart. there are no why´s!!
Je vous embrasse,
LULU
November 5th, 2007 at 8:55 pm
[...] Well it was a mixed weekend of joy and happiness. My good friend broke-up with her boyfriend the day before her Birthday – put that in the bad dumped story top 10. This separation got me thinking about the realities of breaking up in your thirties. (I have written before about different age related styles of breaking up and the essential recovery plan.) [...]
November 8th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Flirty
Thanks for this- I’ve just read it three times to get those lessons in my head. Man, us guys are slow learners. Its taken me three months to get through stage 1 even though I’ve done steps 2-5 in the meantime.
Great writing by the way. warm, wry and witty. Instantly recommended as a blog of note.