I felt very old and grumpy this weekend. While out on Saturday night I found myself sitting with one ear angled towards the speakers mouth, in a similar manner to old people in a home. Even at that most of the conversations were a total mystery. I just nodded sagely and randomly declared, ‘I completely agree’, without any idea of what was said. Although it was likely to be something along the lines of ‘there’s no decent men’. A sentiment which I do actually wholeheartedly agree with.
But the main ‘I’m getting older’ indicator was when the ‘Under my umbrella’ song started playing. As most people naturally had their umbrella with them, due to the current monsoon conditions, they decided to open them up on the dance floor. Instead of thinking how curious and entertaining I found myself tutting and complaining about the health and safety hazard. I seemed to have completely skipped middle age and gone from foolish girl to maiden aunt. How the hell did that happen?
While I am in ranty old woman mode I also want to lodge a complaint about bad fake tan and inappropriate outfits in Dublin. Pubs and clubs should introduce a new door policy:
No large white runners
No orange faces
No shorts on women less than 6ft tall
No streaky legs
No Lycra unless you have an eating disorder
(feel free to add your own)
Almost all the fashion crimes were fake tan related. Potentially bouncers could have an orange-o-meter, which dictates acceptable shade levels;
Space Hopper, Satsuma, Umpa Lumpa etc. Anything that stops the travesty of fat mandarins rolling around the clubs would be deeply appreciated.
Right I’m off to buy a plaid skirt and some support stockings.
Assuming you are very drunk, in a dark room and squinting - a lot. Email me on Irishflirtysomething at hotmail.com
July 2nd, 2007 at 6:36 pm
To add to your door policy -
Bare midriffs [dunno what the fashion term is] when the woman has a spare tyre fit for a quarry lorry.
July 2nd, 2007 at 8:09 pm
There’s nothing old about disapproving of things, it’s the sign of an intelligent and discerning mind. Better than accepting everything uncritically even if it’s a pile of shit. The real sign of growing old is starting to see other people as a menace rather than an inspiration.
July 2nd, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Don’t forget the granny (or should I say “auntie”) pants. Fake tans are the worst. I would like to add visible bra straps and backwards baseball hats to the list, please.
July 2nd, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Ah, you’ve crossed over to the other side. The first sign was that cheeky upstart in the bank. When shopping don’t forget a pair of sensible shoes. Though it’s hard to find a shoe shop assistant with a brain these days.
July 2nd, 2007 at 9:58 pm
No “muffin tops”
Orange-o-meter, hahahaha very popular in Belfast this time of year…
July 2nd, 2007 at 10:37 pm
And the fully functional ‘ma’ haircut. Like a bowl with highlights. You won’t get that at Toni and Guy, I fear.
July 3rd, 2007 at 2:41 am
Very impressive new home, Flirty.
You didn’t miss much - bypassing middle age. Now you can wear purple and eat sausages oall day and curse at small childen and wave your stick at everyone. Welcome to the club…
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:53 am
Damn right Flirty, umbrellas can be lethal in the wrong hands. Especially the hands of short people.
July 3rd, 2007 at 8:51 am
I hate it when people think that a transparent (plastic) bra strap is invisible. It isn’t. It’s plastic.
I hate seeing muffin top. If you don’t have a flat stomach, don’t show me it. Eugh.
Damart are doing deals on bed jackets, if you’re looking.
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:06 am
I’ve been hoarding Complan for years now.
July 3rd, 2007 at 10:06 am
Great face lift on the bloggy page!!!
I personally would love to see all the Ugg boots in the world on a big bonfire.
And Ra-Ra skirts are a right, not a priveledge.
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:54 am
Look at you! You got a real website! How much is this costing you?
July 3rd, 2007 at 11:59 am
Hey hey, Love the new page. I feel old too… Recently our local disco 9could not bring self to call it a niteclub) decided to have a beach party. Not a hope wiould i go, to see young wans in thier bikins froliking around. the thoughts of sand ruining my clothes…
July 3rd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
Yuck bra straps. The absolutely worst ones are when they’ll wear something with no back, but still have the bra strap going across the back.
I think there should be compulsory sterilisation for such people. Granted its nowhere near as popular as it used to be but I still see it on the odd chav. Wow you paid thirty quid for a bra.. boodee hoo for you you old trout. No need to show it off to the world
July 3rd, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Anything with a Burberry pattern. Pyjamas or any close relative of same beyond your own front gate. Thongs, especially where you can see both top and bottom of same.
July 3rd, 2007 at 1:15 pm
Muffin tops
Plastic bra straps
Bad tans
Burberry
Ugg boots
All of the above are now added to the list, wow I am really getting old!
July 3rd, 2007 at 4:39 pm
I don’t like to see the roses growing over the garden gate. So if you are wearing hipsters, and I am assuming no spare tyre here, please make sure you’ve done the gardening and trimmed the hedge.
Thongs- and in particular the trashy ones with cheap jewels on are a personal turn-off when spotted above the cheap jeans.
July 3rd, 2007 at 5:09 pm
I’ve never heard this umbrella song and yet the whole of the Irish blonkosphere is blogging about it.
July 3rd, 2007 at 5:10 pm
Why have a I got a little union jack next to my name?
July 3rd, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Poor Annie, although i’d be a bit put out too if i was from the land of max boyce, charlotte church and the only gay in the village.
Still if the cap fits…
well done on the new site flirty…. pity about turning into a maiden aunt, has the plaid skirt got one of those giant safety pins?
It’s no good if you don’t have one of them
Can i add a few things to the list…
Chinese writing in the small of the back… (who gives a f**k).
2 foot long eyelashes…
ear rings that could double as Keira Knightly’s hoola hoops
anyone that has a look remotely like that Amy Winehouse plank
July 3rd, 2007 at 5:54 pm
Annie….. forget about the song…it’s shite
July 3rd, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Oh and I’m right pissed at not having made it onto the blogroll too.
July 3rd, 2007 at 7:30 pm
…those girls (they all work in Peter Mark) who have long hair but odd Bay City Roller-type short layers that stick up on top…oh, and leggings, especially the ones with lace around the bottom. God, I’m old too…I’ll get me coat…
PS: Pick me, too!!
July 3rd, 2007 at 8:11 pm
Oh, and here’s a card
http://englishmuminireland.blogs.ie/2007/07/03/flirtys-moved-house/
July 3rd, 2007 at 9:58 pm
It’s not that I mind the flag… I’m just wondering how it got there. I’m on a secret mission in Wales, you see, and I don’t like this kind of thing giving away my whereabouts.
July 4th, 2007 at 8:52 am
Be grateful dear Flirty that you ain’t stuck in Reykjavik. The carrot people are everywhere, wearing white trainer, sometimes sparkly gold, hot pink shirts, sometimes striped with orange, tiny fitted jackets that show off the belly, artfully tossled bleach-blond hair, and runny eyeliner…
And that’s just the young men…
July 4th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Apologies to those I have left off blogroll did you leave me note on other post???
Keira K hula hoops lol !!!!
July 4th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Oh Man! The oompa Loompas are just the best! The Hair-don’ts, the cheap clothes, the fake jewellry. And there was me thinking that I had left all this behind when I moved to Vienna.
July 4th, 2007 at 12:57 pm
Flirty - Drop me a line. I have a social soiree (lig)looming that is you all over!
July 5th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Put everyone in boilersuits at 16 till they get to 30, that’ll learn ‘em.
I hate their coy, not-wanting-to-offend-because-you’re-so-old questions like ‘I like old stuff, Led Zeppelin, have you heard of them?’, ‘have you heard of China White?’…. No, I was born old yesterday
July 7th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
Bingo Wings
July 7th, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Welcome to the new home Flirty. Very nice. I’ve been doing the “angling my head to hear when people say” for years and hoping no-one would notice. It’s all about my hearing having lost the ability to filter out bakground noise. Nothing to do with the job…