In life there is one thing I hate more than cooking and that is food shopping. Entering the supermarket has an equivalent effect as strobe lights for epileptics. The source of my agitated twitching and panic is that I know that all the various food stuffs can be combined to produce meals, but I have no idea how.
One entire aisle was just filled with yogurts and associated drinks. All of which had very advanced sounding ingredients. I felt like I was in a sci-fi movie, the prebiotics were taking on the probiotics who were aligned with the Omega 3’s. Any second I expected to see Sigourney Weaver with a giant bottle of Yop emerging from her stomach.
At least when living abroad I had the excuse of not knowing what anything was - mince beef or dog, who is going to risk getting that wrong? Even buying simple stuff was hard in China, for six months I washed my clothes with dish washer salts. In my defence it did still get the clothes clean and I sparkled delightfully in direct sunlight.
Shopping is Ireland is even more horrifying as I don’t have the excuse of a language barrier. I went to M&S on Saturday on the basis that they at least prepare most stuff. Two hours and a hundred quid later I left the supermarket with very little items resembling Bar B ingredients. My trolley was filled with around 100 different types of lettuce. Who knew there were so many? When I was little you just got a head of bright green lettuce in the local shop and then spent the next hour trying to un-attach all the creatures that were munching on it.
Things have obviously moved on. When buying meat the packaging not only tells you the animal (not dog) and cut but where it came from and even how it arrived (air freight). What the fuck is that about? More importantly where exactly is this trend going?
“Mildred the Frisian cow, 3rd daughter of Henry the Great Cow, was born in the last field on the left before Carlow. She enjoyed 3 good years of grass eating before enduring a minor electrical shock ( 1000volts generated by solar energy). A metane powered truck then drove her to Dublin and the van driver reported no sudden stops on the way. We hope you enjoy eating Mildred as much as we enjoyed raising, slaughtering and transporting her.�?
Next time I’m avoiding all this new age crap and going to Lidl, granted I may not buy any food, but I could end up with a very useful leaf blower or 3 man tent.
Assuming you are very drunk, in a dark room and squinting - a lot. Email me on Irishflirtysomething at hotmail.com
July 17th, 2007 at 10:36 am
These are the classic symptoms of someone suffering trolley rage.
July 17th, 2007 at 10:36 am
What worries me is the label “traceable back to source”. One of these days, I’m going to demand to see that cow grazing in a field, with a chunk of flank missing that I just bought.
You should try shopping on-line. Even more confusing, because you can’t see what you are buying!
July 17th, 2007 at 11:06 am
Flirty, Superquinn also provide the name and address and sometimes a photo of the farmer…could be useful..
July 17th, 2007 at 11:17 am
I think the trend should be to close the loop and have a “Rate my Beef” website. The options being
* Tough as old boots
* Oh that’s juicy
* It just melted in the mouth
* Tasted like chicken
Could also feature half naked farmers. Just a thought.
July 17th, 2007 at 11:42 am
Primal - trolley panic.
GD - lol
Is It - if it is a cute farmer, or is that an oxymoron?
Trev - you talking about the beef of the farmer?
July 17th, 2007 at 12:51 pm
lol! I always come back from Lidl with “useful” stuff too. Case in point, the salad centrifuge drier I bought yesterday.
July 17th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Your SOH is too much, I might have to be hospitalised. Just loved the ultimate story-of-Mildred label. What gets me in supermarkets is the blatant deception of plugging all the wonderful healthy ingredients in the product (heart-protecting this, energy-boosting that) while the small print still has the same mind-boggling amounts of fat, salt, additives, preservatives and assorted crap.
July 17th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
A metane powered truck then drove her to Dublin
So Mildred got to the supermarket under her own steam?
July 17th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Hah! reading this brought back memories of shopping in china. My thoughts on the matter can be summed up with this: http://picasaweb.google.co.uk/anthony.tux/ChinaPart1/photo#5080806545553218530
July 17th, 2007 at 5:42 pm
Len - that sounds super hi-tech although I suspect consists of lots of plastic.
Nick - thanks, agree re labels, low fat = loads of sugar.
Caro - total virtuous circle
Ant - 494 photos! I may save that for another time.
July 17th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
You’re starting to write like me. I am the simile king!
July 17th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
bah, i meant to link to one specific one of random packaged meat. Damn internets.
July 17th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
bloody hell theres loads of you horny lasses inthere, sorted
July 17th, 2007 at 11:13 pm
Blarney - smilie king and queen, ahh
Ant - think I found the one you mean, gross.
Adey - ?????????
July 18th, 2007 at 11:09 am
You must be V wealthy, shopping in M&S. Lidl will be perfect for you because the language barrier will give you a natural discomfort zone.
July 18th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I wouldn’t mind a little tale now and then. Food in the supermarkets is just scary here. Lucky for me, there are plenty of farmers markets and a number of good bakeries.
July 18th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
So have you got three men lined up for your Lidl tent? Just curious…
July 18th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Conan - not rich just lazy.
Sassy - can’t even imagine the scale of the states.
Caro - lol, settle for 1 !
July 18th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
I’ve been told that I would buy a battleship if it was a fiver, and it’s more than a little true! That’s why I stay out of Lidl - especially since the indoor water feature incident.
July 18th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
I’m told Lidl does very good frozen prawns. But I’m not sure I could cope with the experience.
July 18th, 2007 at 10:45 pm
NS - lol, send us a pic of the water feature, does it involve gnomes or animals?
LG - would you risk it, really!
July 19th, 2007 at 9:25 am
Ever since the butter and kitchen hatch posting here, I cannot get away from unintentional double-entendres: “buy a battleship”. And what does this actually mean, eh eh?
July 19th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Lol. I hear ya on the lettuce thing. You can nearly buy it to match your outfit these days (i have become my granny).
July 19th, 2007 at 10:41 am
73 - really, really worried now.
Towny - bad when you skip mother and move straight to Granny.
July 19th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
I’m a blog angel and a comment devil.