Well it was a mixed weekend of joy and happiness. My good friend broke-up with her boyfriend the day before her Birthday – put that in the bad dumped story top 10. This separation got me thinking about the realities of breaking up in your thirties. (I have written before about different age related styles of breaking up and the essential recovery plan.)
In your teens you are of course heart-broken when you and your first love part ways. You firmly believe that you will never feel like that again or possibly love another person. The former is almost right, in the same way that I loved those grey velvet knickerbockers, thankfully I’ll never feel like that again. Luckily sometime in the next 70 years or so you will fall in love again. Sure enough a few weeks later the tears have stopped and you are slow dancing with your ex-boyfriend’s second cousin twice removed. Recovery complete.
Sadly in your twenties things are a little harder. Real thought has gone into potential wedding dresses and venues for the big day, when suddenly the glass slipper is pulled from your foot and ground into your heart. It generally takes a while to bounce back and every other man is viewed with intense suspicion - if at all. By the time you reach your thirties the chain of failed relationships has caused an area of your heart to be forever fenced off with a big sign saying “here there be dragonsâ€?. But mother nature waits for no man and neither do you, so eventually you do fall in love again - although perhaps not as hard. It’s a more logical love.
This time the break-up, like the relationship, is different. Once you get over the shock, a wave of despair overwhelms you, not that you have lost the man of your dreams, but that you’ll have to go out and find another bloody one. More nights of hanging out in suspect bars where some of the women are now half your age. Finding yourself chatting to guys who can’t even remember their own name, let alone yours. The prospect of that can be even more depressing than the break-up, which may explain why some women hang on whatever the cost. Anything or anyone can be better than get back on the relationship roller coaster.
But sometimes trying again can be worth the effort. So, least I become to maudlin let me share the joy for Lord H and his soon to be Lady, who got engaged this weekend. Proving that some things, like fine wine, are worth waiting for. Best of luck guys although thankfully you don’t need it !
Assuming you are very drunk, in a dark room and squinting - a lot. Email me on Irishflirtysomething at hotmail.com
November 5th, 2007 at 10:43 pm
Oh flirty you are absolutely so bloody right. The heartbreak is only a small part of it in your thirties. It’s the depressing thought of going dating again. Oooof.
But as you say, there is hope. It can work. May it work for us all.
November 5th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
Flirty, there may be a big fence saying Here There Be Dragons but sooner or later your St George will come along and slay them - or at least tame them. Persistence is the name of the game. Trust me.
November 6th, 2007 at 1:01 am
Oh, I just wish I could have people to break up with me. Being an ugly 22 year old gay is no fun.
Seriously, though, *hugs*.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:22 am
Lg - am very inspired by the Lords, so to speak.
Nick - can’t believe I missed that line, genius.
Robert - oh babes, it’s not that bad I promise.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:38 am
Well that has cheered me up immensely after finding myself single again for the first time in seven years….
November 6th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Never give up. Your next mini-adventure may be just around the next pint. How exciting.
November 6th, 2007 at 12:17 pm
Con - but there was a happy ending, bad news on break-up, sorry
B - still trying - bless
November 6th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Try being on the receiving end in your late 40s… not good, not one bit good at all.
November 6th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
Your poor friend. I hope she gets over it. Be nice to her. As you know, dating in your thirties can be souldestroying. I have given up dating and ride horses instead. Now I am waiting for my knight in shining armour to ride up on a white horse so I can knock him off and gallop off into the sunset.
November 6th, 2007 at 2:45 pm
One of my closest friends has just turned 31 and was dumped by her boyfriend of 10 years around a year ago. He has gotten his new 22 year old girlfriend pregnant, but keeps popping around to my friend’s place telling her it’s her he will always love. She keeps sleeping with him. It’s a nightmare.
November 6th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Red - my god, what a filthy rat! Men like him should be locked up for their own good. She should grit her teeth and double-bolt the door.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Lord H wouldn’t happen to be a biker dude, would he? Just wondering…
November 6th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Red, your friend’s ex is a scumbag. Now that his young girlfriend is pregnant she’s probably putting him on rations and he’s popping round to your friend to supplement his starvation diet. I don’t know which of them I feel sorriest for, your friend or her ex’s current girlfriend. Swine!
November 6th, 2007 at 9:18 pm
conan - i hope not
epona - liking the horse plan
red - that is awful
caro - not a biker that I know of
epona - both of them have issues
November 6th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
Red, your friend’s ex is EVIL. Tell your friend to cease and desist - now!
I’ve forgotten what I was going to say now after that story.
Oh - yeah - I don’t think I could handle a serious break up now. A Morrissey-like existence like mine is quite painless really.
November 6th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Spin, I would really like to tell my friend to ‘cease and desist’ but she has already stopped talking to 2 other of my friends who did so. I’m too much of a wimp. Horrible as it is to see her going through this I’d still rather be her friend than not.
November 7th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Ah, your poor pal. That’s lousy timing. But better now than later yada yada.
And there might be a lot of fun rediscovering the joys of first attraction and butterfly tummies.
November 7th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Ooh, I liked this one - but I will say that dating in your thirties is WAY more fun than in your twenties, for any newly-singles out there. Everyone has more money, so the dining is of a higher standard, on top of which you are positively encouraged to date several people at the same time so as to avoid time wasting.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
I think we should all have more of an American take on dating and do the multiple dating thing ..it defo saves time and as soon as u know which ones are keepers and whihc arent just get rid!!
November 7th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Great post.
November 7th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I went to the biennale of art in Venise and i know one guy who must feel really sorry he broke up with Sophie Calle by mail. His last words were: take good care of yourself. It’s become the title of her exhibition. She asked 107 women to react to his letter. And let me tell you, it’s harsh. Beautiful installation though.
November 7th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Multiple dating - are you kidding? Getting to go on ONE date is a logistic nightmare in this town! As for everyone having more money, most of the guys I meet are bitter with baggage and don’t want to spend any money on their dates. If I can get them to pay for their round it’s a bonus. I don’t have a problem going Dutch (sharing the costs of a date, not sleeping with a Dutchman but I’m open to any reasonable offers) but it would be nice to be able to down tools, get out of the Amazon uniform and feel like a princess once in a while.
Am I really the only one who finds dating soul destroying once you hit your 30s?
November 7th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Oh, I forgot to add that dating includes the thrill of being stood up. When you’re in your 30s men have more priorities to juggle - work, kids, ex-wife, polishing the Aston Martin - and I invariably come at the bottom of the list, a few notches below throwing out the trash. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve turned up at the agreed venue, sitting patiently sipping a drink when my mobile flashes a message which goes along the lines of “Sorry I can’t make it but I have to take my empties down to the recycling bank. Hope I didn’t inconvenience you.”
November 7th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
“Polishing the Aston Martin”…. God there’s a new eupemism born every minute.
November 7th, 2007 at 6:10 pm
spin - i will hit the next person to say loved and loss..
red - say nothing won’t achieve anything.
fi - fair point re quality of dates, not sure re quantity
sarah - i would multiple if there were multiple to date
73 - thanks
major - sounds cool
epona - stand-ups do increase dramatically in 30’s
paul - hmmmmmm
November 7th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Paul, men in their 30s and up do “adventurous” things like buying an Aston Martin and lavishing it with affection before driving around in it trying to pick up girls between the ages of 16 and 24. It usually happens after a marriage/LTR breaks up, and it’s called a mid-life crisis. These blokes have no problem standing up a date their own age if a willing 16 year old comes along in the meantime. That’s one reason why, as Flirty said, stand-ups increase dramatically in the 30s.
November 7th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
You really must try harder to understand the enemy.
Here’s the link
http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.co.uk/
Most guys my age (42) would have no idea what to do with a 16 year old.
November 8th, 2007 at 1:51 am
Hey! What am I? Chopped liver?
November 8th, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Hey Flirty,
A mate of mine got the usual coward dumping recently (him being a complete tit for a month until she had to break-up with him).
Some good advice here that I’ll pass on to her.
Cheers.
November 9th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
Sam - sincere apologies, I wish for butterflies.
November 11th, 2007 at 7:45 am
The thing is, breaking up sucks.
And the thing is, it tends to get harder the older you get, cause it’s a bit like fishing. When you go fishing in your teens, you don’t really care what type of fish you catch - you just want the fecking fish. Any fish (within reason) will do, cause you don’t really know what kind of fish you like. The older you get, the more refined your tastes get - you know what type of fish you want to hook on your line and you fish accordingly. And when you lose a fish you like, that’s not a whole bunch of fun. Anyway, I could bang on with analogy after analogy on breaking up - but the guts is - breaking up just sucks. Big time.
November 12th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Excellent post flirty. i completely agree. i see far too many thirtysomethings putting up with ridiculous relationships because they are afraid to get back out there . . .
March 12th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I don’t know why women esp are obsessed with getting involved in a relationship. Single life is good, all my married/relationship friends do is give out about how they can’t go out, he/she is wrecking my head, you’ve a great life able to do and go where ever u want. I know too many ppl in long term relationships who would love to get out but they’ve kids, mortgages and they’re afraid of being alone. We’ll all be alone one day, best be prepared for it. A happy 32yr old single white male.