A body was found in the fish freezer of a fast food restaurant in Galway last week (story ). Naturally this has created a lot of questions among the media and bloggers as to what happened. However, for me, it has provided the potential answer to a problem that has bothered me for some time.

Since the start of this year there has been a spate of incidents suffered by myself and friends. We meet a guy, things go well, we may even go on a few dates, and then like a willow-the-wisp they vanish. No reason or explanation is provided. You may text and call but your efforts will yield no response. Apparently we were involved with the Keyser Soze’s of the dating world.

The initial reaction is to assume that you did or said something wrong, then the more insidious questions about your looks and personality start to surface, before finally the more rational ‘all men are bastards’ solution. But now I have a new explanation, maybe just maybe, all those guys are stuck in a freezer somewhere sleeping with the fish fingers.

(with special recognition to Little Sapling for her hilarious fish jokes on this subject - very wrong, but very funny)

Single guys in Ireland can be broken down into a few key categories. The most common is an A.R.S.E – A Rugby School Eejit. Think Ross O’Carroll Kelly in 10 years time. Key identifiers of an A.R.S.E are as follows:

A large dense mass, in more ways than one. Except what was muscle has now turned into soft doughy fat. Rugby jerseys are de-rigeur going out clothes. Mainly because there is little danger of the buttons popping after multiple pints.

Of course an ARSE doesn’t recognise he is fat. He thinks he is temporarily out of shape. Temporary meaning a time period in excess of ten years. He will regale you of tales of how fit he used to be, but sadly can’t play rugby anymore because of his knee (as opposed to the fact he’d drop with a coronary the second he had to run anywhere) but he is definitely going to the gym – next week.

Sometimes socialises in big gangs for the matches, when his married friends get ‘passes’. Firmly believes that he will never be ‘captured’ like his mates. Would probably like to meet someone, but just can’t imagine giving up ‘the crack’ that is Cafe en Seine, 3 times a week. Generally hangs out with one poor lonely gimp wing man, who has little chance of finding anyone. Particularly if he continues to hang out with ARSE.

ARSE goes out a few times a week, with the gimp, downing pints and trying out his lines on the ‘chicks’. Due to extensive practice he is generally pretty good at the chat-up, but then it’s hard not to be in the meat markets of Renards or Coppers.

However his track record is starting to decline as there seems to be less ‘chicks’ he fancies or they seem more interested in the chiseled Polish guys. If unsuccessful at scoring he can generally be found in a fast food establishment at the end of the night. Abrakebra is full of ARSE’s at 3am.

If he is a rich ARSE he will be living in a place that his dad bought for him in his 20’s. It won’t have been done up since then and the sofa is so beer soaked that Guinness think they may have discovered a new form of yeast. A working ARSE will still be renting ( can’t waste valuable beer money on a mortgage ), generally with guys that are around 10 years younger than him. He will try and score their female friends, who are horrified by the fat older guy hitting on them. Both types of ARSE will have flat screen TV’s, a very expensive stereo, and bed clothes with cartoon characters.

The only thing worse than being an ARSE, is being someone who fancies an ARSE.

P.S. Thanks for all the comments and advice yesterday. No update on Sherman yet.

The whole dating game has been complicated in the last few years by the proliferation of DUD’s ( Dual Universe Daters ); not so much a race as a sub-species.

In one universe the DUD is involved in a steady and generally long-term relationship, however they have evolved the ability to enter a parallel social sphere where they forget the aforementioned partner and believe they are single dating guys again.

Although you can observe DUD’s at almost any age they seem to be most prevalent in their 30’s. Generally they can be found late at night, in dark environments with a good drinking supply. Classic examples of DUD’s would be Jude Law and Olivier Martinez. As a rule almost all French and Italian men are DUD’s but the Irish are gaining significant ground. You can expect to find a lot of DUD’s this weekend in Dublin.

DUD’s are not to be confused with their distant relation, the SUD – Single Universe Dater. The SUD firmly believes in, and practices, monogamy and fidelity. Unfortunately SUD’s are as common as the pygmy rhino in northern Borneo. I know that SUD’s exist; I just couldn’t produce one at short notice.

A few SUD’s can still be found in the wild, but the majority are held in captivity for breeding. So not much point getting yourself into a big lather about SUD’s, as you are unlikely to ever meet one.

It is crucial to be able to distinguish DUD’s from SUD’s when out on the dating scene, so watch out for the following;

a) DUD’s will act like a SUD and rarely carry any ornaments to indicate otherwise. Feel free to check wallets, pockets or tan lines on the left hand for evidence of origin.

b) DUD’s will lavish you with praise, as they have nothing to lose and can therefore go all out and not worry about appearing too keen too early.

c) DUD’s can also appear slightly aloof as they already have a bird in the hand so if they don’t get one in the bush it doesn’t matter.

Ironically, DUD’s can make you feel like the only woman in the world, when in fact you are, at best, number 2. A DUD will never, ever volunteer information on their other universe and are genetically unable to respond with a direct answer to the question – “So, are you seeing anyone?�?

Watch out for the following evasions;
“Not really�?
“What do you mean by seeing someone?�?
“On and off �?

It is very simple, a bit like being pregnant, you either are or aren’t seeing someone, there is no in between.

Other responses may include;
“It’s complicated�?
“My partner doesn’t understand me�?

Great information but this is not Mensa and I do not provide a free counselling service, so please don’t plan to lie down on my couch.

The final and most commonly used response to the question is;
“Did I mention you have beautiful (insert feature)�?
“Want another drink�?

Deflection is a classic and generally successful tactic by the DUD and depending on the alcohol intake your question maybe successfully eluded until it is too late. So on the off chance that you are deflected simply write DUD on the back of your hand as a reminder to keep asking the question until you get a proper response. If you are too drunk to read the back of your hand then it really doesn’t matter if they are a DUD or a SUD.