Well it was a mixed weekend of joy and happiness. My good friend broke-up with her boyfriend the day before her Birthday – put that in the bad dumped story top 10. This separation got me thinking about the realities of breaking up in your thirties. (I have written before about different age related styles of breaking up and the essential recovery plan.)

In your teens you are of course heart-broken when you and your first love part ways. You firmly believe that you will never feel like that again or possibly love another person. The former is almost right, in the same way that I loved those grey velvet knickerbockers, thankfully I’ll never feel like that again. Luckily sometime in the next 70 years or so you will fall in love again. Sure enough a few weeks later the tears have stopped and you are slow dancing with your ex-boyfriend’s second cousin twice removed. Recovery complete.

Sadly in your twenties things are a little harder. Real thought has gone into potential wedding dresses and venues for the big day, when suddenly the glass slipper is pulled from your foot and ground into your heart. It generally takes a while to bounce back and every other man is viewed with intense suspicion - if at all. By the time you reach your thirties the chain of failed relationships has caused an area of your heart to be forever fenced off with a big sign saying “here there be dragonsâ€?. But mother nature waits for no man and neither do you, so eventually you do fall in love again - although perhaps not as hard. It’s a more logical love.

This time the break-up, like the relationship, is different. Once you get over the shock, a wave of despair overwhelms you, not that you have lost the man of your dreams, but that you’ll have to go out and find another bloody one. More nights of hanging out in suspect bars where some of the women are now half your age. Finding yourself chatting to guys who can’t even remember their own name, let alone yours. The prospect of that can be even more depressing than the break-up, which may explain why some women hang on whatever the cost. Anything or anyone can be better than get back on the relationship roller coaster.

But sometimes trying again can be worth the effort. So, least I become to maudlin let me share the joy for Lord H and his soon to be Lady, who got engaged this weekend. Proving that some things, like fine wine, are worth waiting for. Best of luck guys although thankfully you don’t need it !

The now fully updated Irish Flirty Something 5 point recovery plan for when you are dumped. Thanks for the interesting feedback so far, in particular to K8 for her elastic band idea. Anyone else got some good suggestions or advice?

Unsurprisingly it is aimed at women who have been dumped and is more pragmatic than sympathetic. Normal guy bashing rules apply. You have been warned!

There is no Why.

Now the first thing that happens after a break-up are the ‘why’ questions.

Why did he dump me?
Why did he say he loved me?
Why has he left?

Repeat ad-nauseum down the phone to friends or while sobbing in a bar with random strangers. I know women who are still asking these questions years after a break-up. The answer is the same, there is no ‘why’, or at least none that you want to hear.

You can attribute the ‘why’ to his inability to commit, child hood traumas or your Juicy Couture tracksuit that he hated. But the fact is that one day he woke up and it just wasn’t working for him. No matter how much you cry, scream, rant or bide your time pretending everything is ok, that ‘why’ will never change.

Attempts to meet and interrogate him are futile. He is not going to say what you want to hear (I’ve made a huge mistake - I still love you) no matter how many different ways you ask him. Remember that you are still the great person he fell in love with but circumstances and times have changed. Bizarre as it may seem don’t take it too personally. He is the one who has changed, not you.

So the closure that you are looking for by asking ‘Why’ the whole time is as depressing as it is simple, he just doesn’t love you any more. The switch in his head that used to be turned on, has now moved to off. He has moved on, you need to do the same.

Cold Turkey

Now I am the queen of tenuous excuses to keep in contact. If I haven’t heard them I’ve used them, either way very few escape my knowledge web. ‘Being friends’ maybe psychologically easier as it implies that you have not been fully rejected as a person, but as Harry said to Sally, guys and girls are very rarely ‘just friends’. One of you will always want more and that one, if you have been dumped, is likely to be you!

Think about the logic of staying ‘friends’. If you were on a diet you wouldn’t walk around with a large chocolate cake in your hand. So why put yourself through the torture of being close, but never close enough, with your ex. Ultimately it will do neither of you any favours to be in contact. One of you will end up with false hope or raised ambitions, only to be dashed again.

Why should he have the benefit of your friendship, when he has chosen to reject it by dumping you? Save yourself for someone who deserves your time, energy and friendship.

The other big issue of staying in contact is that you run the risk of having a break-up shag, which is both a head and body fuck. The break up shag does not signal that you’re both meant to be together. He has not realised the error of his ways, he is just missing regular sex. Don’t delude yourself that he will be so overwhelmed by your underwear and sex Olympics that you’ll get back together. Going through it once is bad enough without opening your self up to a repeat performance. As the book says, it’s called a break-up because it’s broken.

Wallowing

The previous 2 steps may have seemed harsh, because they are, but the next few are a bit more fun. You are allowed to wallow, whinge and wail to your broken heart’s content. However, only for a certain period of time. My yard stick is 1 day per month of dating up to 1 year and then an additional 1 day per year. During this time you are allowed to eat crap, wear crap and moan about men and life.

I suggest you mark the wallow days on a calendar and tick them off as you go along. Ensure friends know when your wallow time is over, so that they can remind you and have something to look forward to.

When you reach the final day of wallowing you are not allowed to be depressed anymore or even worse go on and on about how he was ‘the one’. (Trust me ‘the one’ doesn’t dump you.)

Breaking up is sad and heart breaking but it is not catastrophic; famine, floods and genocide where thousands of people lose their lives and families are catastrophic, break-ups are just very unfortunate. Yes you will grieve and that is natural, but grieving is a process, avoid making it a way of life.

Get Busy and Spoil Yourself

When you finish your wallow phase, chances are you’re not looking the best. Thanks to some close encounters with Domino Pizza’s, white wine and Bounty Bars. You need to set yourself an action plan of recovery. Because when you do bump into your ex ( accidentally ) you want to be looking your best.

Set yourself a budget, ideally one that won’t take the rest of your life to repay, and spoil yourself. Doesn’t matter what it is, holiday, clothes, new hair cut ( almost compulsory when you leave a long-term relationship ). Just get out there and start spending.

Another key part of the action plan is to take out the phone and diary and start ringing and emailing all those ‘friends’ you have been ignoring since you started dating. If you are under 30 your friends will be understanding, if you’re over 30 and haven’t spoken to most of them in months then shame on you. However, good friends will rally around.

Make arrangements to see people and do stuff; walks, cinema, shopping, dinners and DVD’s, it really doesn’t matter as long as you are kept busy. Don’t just focus on the weekends, there is nothing worse than a lonely Monday night watching Eastenders or something equally depressing. However these busy times are not to be used as moaning sessions, they are merely to re-introduce you to single life.

Take this as an opportunity to do the stuff you couldn’t while dating like chick flicks and spa weekends. Revel in the fact that you no longer have to justify yourself to anyone.

Under and Over

I know this is the second oldest trick in the book, but only because it works so well. The best way to get over a man is to get under one. The thought of this maybe abhorrent but that’s only because you are sober, being tanked up is a pre-requisite to implementing this step.

Remember you are not going out to find the future love of your life. The goal is to play some tonsil tennis – up the alcohol and drop the standards. Believe me you’ll feel much better. The longer you remain faithful to your ex the more idealised he will become and the harder it is to meet someone else. He is probably off shagging half of Copper Face Jacks while you are sitting at home being a vestal virgin crying over his picture – what’s the point of that !

Remember: The relationship is over, not your life.

“The only faithful men are those who haven’t had the right offer or opportunity.�?

In my twenties this was my opening comment on the topic of fidelity. As you can imagine I was a real hit at dinner parties and social engagements. Thankfully I have mellowed a little since – very little.

However I do still fundamentally believe that monogamy, particularly for men, is not a natural state. Guys may come in many shapes and sizes but generally only two types; bastards or nice guys. (as LC highlighted in a recent post).

Now most girls grow out of the “dating a bastard�? phase, eventually the excitement is off set by the constant heart ache and betrayal. A foolish few believe that they can change a bastard. Somehow you can maintain all the fun qualities but loose the wandering eye, like eating the Hazelnut Whirls but leaving the Coffee Cremes in a carton of Milk Tray. Sadly life isn’t like a box of chocolates. (sorry for the poor pun.) Bastards are like convicted felons, you may get parole and a few years of good behaviour, but it is only a question of time before they are back inside – someone else.

Even if you do end up with a nice guy it is no guarantee of fidelity. The action or lack of by the female partner can drive the nicest guy to the damp patch. My latest dinner party question is:

“If you had to choose between your partner having a one night stand and no one knowing or everyone suspecting when he was in fact innocent, which would you prefer?�?

Dependent on the alcohol intake the answer varies. Some, women start off with “innocent�? and after a few vino’s end up settling with “guilty�?. Generally, this is accompanied with a “someone has to shag him�? joke. I am amazed that Hallmark hasn’t created a card to mark when married couples with kids have sex; “Happy Fucking Friday�? or “Super Shagging Saturday�?. I’m not sure the sales would warrant the production. At least with other holidays like Christmas you are guaranteed they will come at least once a year.

As one newspaper therapist noted:
“If a guy isn’t getting it at home then don’t be surprised if he starts looking elsewhere.�?

Lucky me knows exactly when this hunt begins. I have my own personal super power when it comes to infidelity. I ALWAYS know when someone has been unfaithful. As super powers go it’s not a great one. Most women have this skill, they just may not admit it to themselves or others, but they always know. (Unfaithful guys take note, getting away with it once or twice does not make you impervious to capture, you will eventually get caught, generally as a result of your own arrogance.)

Thankfully there are some great honest and monogamous guys who believe, along with their partner, that a relationship is worth working at. So, to those couples I salute you and the happiness you richly deserve.

*I have used guys as my subject but increasingly women are as bad, not happy with out smoking and drinking our male counterparts we now want to out shag them as well.

Next post - “How to catch an unfaithful guy�? (Yes I am that evil.)

One of the most frequent discussions with my single friends is the “does he fancy me?�? conversation. Hours can be spent analysing and debating his intentions and entire scenarios can be created about his motives and objectives. So after years of theoretical and practical research I have narrowed down the top physical indicators on if a bloke really fancies you.

Eyes:
Pupils naturally dilate if they are looking at someone or something they find aesthetically pleasing. So if you are seeing mainly black when you look into his eyes this is a really positive sign. (avoid staring into them all night like a demented optometrist or he will start to go off you pretty quickly).

The one proviso is that low lighting can have the same effect on enlarging his pupils. Next time he goes to the bar whip out your mirror and check the relative size of your pupils. His pupils should be equivalent of greater in ratio to yours. If this is the case then he likes what he sees.

Feet:
Very well known but always a good indicator. A guy who likes you will naturally point his feet towards you. This is excellent if you are in a group situation as you can just follow the feet to see who he likes. Also, a really sneaky way to figure out who wants to shag who at work.

Framing:
This is so primeval I love it. When a guy is attracted to you he will unconsciously try to draw attention to his genitals. He may spread his legs, hook his thumbs into his waistband or place his hands either side of his crotch. Essentially he is saying check out the package, you could have some of this. ( if he actually tries to show you the package early in the evening then he definitely fancies you, but you may not want to go there )

Mirror:
Another old favorite. You will both start copying each others movements; adopting similar hand and feet positioning, speed of breathing and actions. If he starts imitating you by flicking his hair or applying lipstick you may have the wrong guy.

Contact:
Now obviously any sign of contact is encouraging but you still need to be discerning. Thanks to camera phones you can invent photo op’s and see what happens. If he grabs you by the waist it is a great sign as it denotes attraction and protection. However if he rests his arm across your shoulder that generally implies he just sees you as a mate. Full on groping and face sucking is generally a positive sign.

Ego comments:
A very “bloke�? thing to do and can be off putting if you don’t understand why. The guy will start to reference how good his job is or where he lives or even how much he makes. Generally he is trying to prove that he can provide for you. A bit like chest beating in Gorillas. If he brings along an audited set of accounts or spends ALL night discussing his assets then he is just an ego-maniac.

Personal space
We all have our own personal space and if certain people invade this space we can find it intimidating. However if you are with someone that you like then the relative area of personal space reduces. If he starts to move closer towards you this implies he is comfortable in your presence and would like to get more intimate.

Possession:
My absolute favorite technique for figuring out if the bloke really fancies you. You need a personal object like jewellery, lighter or a mobile. Casually fiddle with the object, (not in a kinga wine bottle way) for a few minutes. Place the object an equal distance between the two of you. End of dinner is a great time to do this. If he picks up the object and brings it towards him and holds it then you can start booking the church and ordering the flowers. I can’t remember all the psychology behind this. I just know it works EVERY TIME.

To avoid disappointment opt for something like a lighter as jewellery can be too personal, particularly if it is a ring. Also, with a phone they may just look at it out of curiosity and boredom rather than interest in you. Not touching the object or moving it back towards you generally indicates that it is game-off.

Now all of the above are open to interpretation and if you really fancy someone you may tend to over read the signals. Equally not all boys will behave the same, but a surprising amount do. Now you could obviously just ask if he likes you, but where is the fun in that! The one conclusive method to figure out if he really fancies you is as follows:

Get roaring drunk off your head. Hop in a taxi and go to their house. Ideally in the early hours of the morning. Starting ringing the doorbell and shouting through the letter box that you have arrived. If the guy doesn’t answer and texts you to go away before he is forced to call the guards then chances are he is not playing hard to get, he simply does not fancy you.

If you found this useful checking out my guide to getting a guy’s attention.